DEEPLY FIT
LONELY 2
NO ONE KNOWS OF THE SUFFERING.
NO ONE KNOWS OF THE PAIN.
NO ONE KNOWS OF THE INTERNAL CHAOS...
ONLY THE WALLS KNOW.
8 WALLS
Pain echoes the hallway and ricochets off the corners of the walls.
There are 8 walls.
4 in this room and 4 in the confines of my mind. And all of this to be absorbed into the depths of my pores. One lonely person in one lonely world.
If a pin dropped I would hear it hit the ground a thousand miles away.
Ladies and gentleman, welcome to the stage of depression.
And the star at the podium is none other than "Myself".
Despair is my friend and my enemy echoing through my quiet dwelling. A madman couldn't have it so good. All these emotions and feelings pent up and very tightly woven, and all hidden behind this Beautiful smile on my face.
Introducing "ME", the Actor.
And to think that everyone around me thinks that I'm happy all the time. With all the pretty pictures on the walls you'd think that I was so very well put together. Yet the picture hidden inside of me is not aesthetically pleasing at all. It is perfectly fit for a battle scene in a movie. A war of thoughts all contained within the walls of this house, and the crippled walls of my own mind.
An army of tick-tocks surround me, invading "my time" with the slaughter of the clock monsters. It's crazy but it's true. Clocks limit your day and they all work in unison starting each day with a countdown. If I could achieve only one goal in all of my life, it would be to be able to manipulate time and eliminate the tick-tocks...
Oh how I wish the tick tocks would go away.
When frozen in solitude it's as if you can see beyond space and time. You're a Voyager, a Time Traveler, and the very last person on earth. No one knows that I cry myself awake every day, always in my mind and always hidden from those that surround me. I cry heavy tears saturated with lead cloaked beneath my clown mask, my smile, and my positive attitude.
What a great Actor I am !!!
Let me take a bow to acknowledge the accomplishment. I've cried just before going to bed so many nights that all my tears could flood the bedroom. And once flooded I would float alone in a boat with absolutely no sail and no steering mechanism. A loner lost in time and lost to the population. And what's really strange is that oftentimes there are no physical tears at all, just drenching painful mental ones.
I am a Wanderer.
A Wanderer as I lay in my bed half awake and half asleep, while at the same time, half alive and half dead. If you're a lost soul such as I am you are agreeing with every word that I write.If someone could see inside of me they would either feint or run away. Desolate loneliness likes to scare those that don't understand.
Sometimes I sit here and wish the phone would ring.
The phone tends to mock you when you're lonely. One phone call from someone who cares can completely change the dull emptiness. It's as if you're hanging onto a ledge and you don't quite know how much longer you can hold on. and then the phone emits a glorious ringtone and pulls you back and up over the ledge to safety.
I don't think that you choose to be lonely...
Loneliness chooses "YOU".
I've never raised my hand and volunteered to be thrust into solemn solitude and utter void. Somehow with expert precision void has singled me out to be an in depth sufferer. I must have been marked for loneliness at birth, branded with a neon sign that says, "Hey, I'm over here, program me with many many lonely and internally chaotic days". I live in a world only a few inches tall. You wouldn't notice it when walking by but the pain and suffering in my crawlspace is immeasurable.
Loneliness has a keen sense of hiding you where others can't observe the tears on your pillow.
You become a Ninja sobbing in the dark waiting for the night to end. With the anticipation of maybe, just maybe, the next morning will be the day when everything changes and gets better.
That is, until you're lying there the next night with the same wet pillow, the same feelings of sorrow, and the same repetitious withdrawal from the others world. Living and surviving in a crawlspace only a few inches tall.
ANOTHER FAILED ATTEMPT AT FREEDOM...ONE DAY I'LL ESCAPE THE PRISON OF THE HUMAN MIND.
MY MIND IS BOXED IN BY AN INVISIBLE FORCE FIELD.
WEIGHED DOWN BY ALL THESE HEAVY THOUGHTS, I CAN BARELY SURVIVE THE DAY.
BEHOLD THE OFFICE OF THE DEPTHS OF MY MIND...
A PRISON KEEPS ME TRAPPED, AND ALL THE PAPERWORK IS MY TORTURED THOUGHTS.
TIME SPIRALS OUT OF CONTROL...
IF ONLY I COULD CONTROL TIME RATHER THAN TIME CONTROLLING ME.
HELLO EVERYONE...
AM I REALLY AS HAPPY AS I SEEM ?
...OR AM I WEARING A MASK TO CREATE A FALSE IDENTITY ?
PLEASE SOMEONE HELP ME.
I'M OUT OF MY MIND AND YET I CAN'T SEEM TO GET "OUT OF MY MIND".
EVERY TIME I GET A NEW THOUGHT, THIS IS WAITING FOR IT IN THE SHADOWS.
THE WALL...
ME BREAKING DOWN THE WALL...
THE REALIZATION OF THE MONOTONOUS PRISON OF THE MIND.
AS THE CHAIN IS PULLING ME TO SAFETY TO A NEW WAY OF THINKING,
THE THOUGHTS THAT CURRENTLY RESIDE BREAK THE CHAIN.
IN ONE WAY OR ANOTHER WE ARE ALL PRISONERS OF LONELINESS...